When No One Is Looking ~ The War Between Strength and Weakness

We are at our most vulnerable when no one is looking. Left to ourselves two emotions can wage war with each other, both with the intent to win. One emotion walks in strength with the knowledge of knowing and believing to whom they belong. The other emotion, crumbled in fear, leaves walking at all seeming next to impossible.  

This is where I find myself, at war with two emotions.

There are times that certain situations can leave me feeling fearful. They can cripple me leaving me with no strength at all. Yet, there are also times that those same situations can strengthen me giving me courage I did not know I had. It sounds weird, I know, but it is true. When it comes to my husband’s well-being, my heart intends to be strong and sometimes it is. In fact, it can be surprisingly strong. Yet, there are times that my heart has no strength at all. Persevering seems impossible. Strength wants to prevail but weakness has become consuming. And then, the war begins…

Caring for a loved one can be hard, both physically and emotionally. It can feel as if it rips out your very heart. How do you handle it? How are you supposed to put on a brave face for them? Better yet, how are we supposed to live in this, our day to day, together? So many emotions begin to stir. Questioning your ability to do the right thing at that exact moment needed most leaves you crippled. It is not only doing the right thing but also being the right one to do it. I am not a physician. I do not work in the medical field of any form or fashion. Yet, I find myself playing the role of one. Can I do the right thing? Will I do the right thing? Am I the right one to do the right thing? What even is the right thing!? So many questions stir in my mind.

The hardest moments are the ones that cripple you. Sometimes I can put on a brave face and do what has to be done. Well, in fact, most of the time I can. However, when no one is looking is when I simply crumble. Feeling weak during a fight does not give me much hope for winning. I want to always stand tall and firmly say, “Not today, Satan!” The words just do not always come out. I want my foot so firmly planted that I cannot be knocked down. That is so what my heart desires. However, each time a new problem pops up without an explanation to it, I lose my footing. I see the pain and know there has to be an answer. Yet, one is not given. Tears flow uncontrollably and I cannot seem to find the strength to stop them. Honestly, at times I do not want to. I cannot lose control so I allow my tears to do so. If I lose control then what will happen? The last thing I want is for a loved one to feel any sort of responsibility, cause or blame for my tears. Do not get me wrong, I have found myself crumbled on the floor before … in a pool of snot and tears (I know gross, right?)! It does not happen often (thank You Lord!) but it still happens. After all, I am human. It is when I am alone and no one is looking that I allow myself the freedom to feel; no matter what that feeling may be. Convincing myself that “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13) because God’s Word says I can is not always believable. They can feel like mere empty words; words simply written on paper. My heart knows they are not yet it does not have the strength to convince my mind.   

Some days are really good days. In fact, most of them have been. (Maybe that is just a part of what makes the not-so-good days extra bad.) When those good days happen, is when I am at my strongest. I feel like I can conquer anything. I feel like I can do and be anything. A wound that needs attention? Bring it on! Extra care needed? Bring it on!  That is when I can emotionally stand and proclaim, “I CAN do all things through Christ who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13)! I love those days. I cherish those days. However, if not careful I can easily turn those moments into giving my own self the praise.  (OUCH!) It is God who gives me strength…never myself.

Granted, very few people see those moments in me. They are mostly reserved when no one is looking. Part of the reason, not all of it, is because I do not want Satan to see or hear it and come at me harder, stronger. I want to revel in those strong moments and enjoy them to their fullest! (Sounds wimpy, doesn’t it?) I suppose I allow fear to slip into the strong days in wondering how long they will last. I do not want to mislead you; I can live out some strength (from God) in front of people, too. I can stand firm and not waver in His Word and fully rely on it! I know beyond any doubt that it is His strength … not mine.

Sometimes I live the strong moments quietly because it is then that I “refuel” or better yet, store up extra “fuel”, so to speak. Strength and comfort found in God’s Word is what I need daily. His Word gives me strength to finish the task at hand. His Word comforts me by reminding me that I am never alone; He is with me all the way. His Word drowns out the little voices that desire for my attention to fear again. Yep, His Word is definitely my fuel. It's what will keep me going.

I know that trials are going to come the Bible says so. I know that everything happens for a reason; the Bible says that, too. I truly know and believe that. The hard part is that even though I know those things, it just does not stop the pain. It does not change what my eyes see. I see the pain of a loved one. I see the crippling effects on their body. I see those things! How am I supposed to un-see them? (Do you ever find yourself asking that question, too?)

Proverbs 3:5> “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.” (NKJV)

That is my answer. It’s neatly tucked inside God’s Word awaiting me to find and read it again. Over and over if necessary. It’s the fuel we need. His desire is for me, for us, to simply trust Him in the process. It can sure be hard. However, if you truly know and believe that God is indeed a good God, then we do not lean on our own understanding. Let’s be honest, our understanding is limited. We tend to have a need to see a bigger picture to understand difficult things. We don’t always get that privilege. God is all-knowing, we are not. Trusting the all-knowing God is our responsibility. Yet, we find it hard at times. Weird, isn’t it? We don’t find it hard to believe that He created the world. We know and believe that God sent His only Son to this earth to pay our sin-debt. We know and believe that He died a gruesome death, no heart beat or breath in His lungs, on a cross, and yet He defeated the grave. We truly believe these things. Somehow, believing that He has a plan for me, for us, seems too complicated to comprehend. Did not Jesus Himself say “With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26)? Yes! He certainly did! He takes the hardest things to understand and makes it possible. We just aren’t guaranteed when we may understand.  

We have to learn to look beyond what our physical eyes can see. We have to see that “all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28) is for us, too. Suffering in this life is inevitable; how we suffer is a choice. “It is what it is” is not always true. It depends on how you look at it, what you choose to see…and believe.

It's okay to wage the war between strength and weakness. It’s even okay to do it when no one is looking. Cling to God and His holy Word and know that it is written: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). No matter how difficult things become, He is with us. We are not alone…😊

Don’t forget to remember that!

In awe of Him,

~ Vonda