It has definitely been a while since I have sat in front of my computer to blog. Writing is one of my favorite things to do. When my heart is heavy and my mind is full all I can think of is to write.
One of the social medias that first grabbed my attention was facebook. It was there that I had planned to share Christ. All I wanted to do was to use it as a witnessing tool. At first, it was great. I felt so free to lay it all out there!! "Jesus loves you" was all I could think to share.
Before I knew it, the wonderful intention ended. It became filled with such sadness for me on a personal level. I found myself looking at happy photos and reading funny comments. The one's that called themselves "church family" seemed to only interact with certain individuals. I was not among the certain individuals. "Why? What is so wrong with me?"
Man's affirmation has always seemed to be an issue for me. One that I have longed to break free from. As a child, I was not who I wanted to be. Being among the most popular I thought would give me some kind of status at school. It would mean I was "chosen" to be good enough to be seen with. It would mean that I really was important! Before I could even recognize what was happening, I began to search for the same thing in church.
Let's face it, there are "clicks" in church. I don't think people set out to have them there, they just seem to show up. I found myself sitting in my same spot watching people. It's not that I necessarily meant to just watch them, it's just that I was alone. I was surrounded by "church family" and yet was alone. "Why? What is so wrong with me?" I had longed to be a vital part of this particular group. I had longed to be "chosen" by them to even be worthy enough to be engaged in conversation before church started. And yet, there I sat...alone. I had wanted to be...important. On the inside I was in torment. I felt so abandoned. "How did this happen? Isn't this suppose to be God's house? Isn't church suppose to be "All About Jesus"? What went wrong?
I never thought I would be stuck in those horrible high school days of wanting to fit in again. Not in my adult life!! Yet, that is exactly where I found myself. And in church, of all places. I would reach out in desperation just to be recognized. "Hey, she might have something to say!" Oh how I wanted someone, anyone, to say that of me. Why did it have to matter so much to me? Why was it so important to feel accepted by a particular body of people?
The more I have allowed it to creep back up in my life, the more power I have given Satan. The more I entertain the hurt of not being accepted among certain one's, the more freedom I have given Satan. I cannot do that! I cannot fall captive to his lies of just what my value is.
Galatians 1:10 in the NIV says. "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." Those proved to be very strong words for me. Who am I trying to please? Who am I trying to be accepted by? Who is it that I am wanting to choose me? People? Really!!??
Hundreds of years ago, an incredible Man walked on this earth. It had been said of Him, "the straps of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie." Sandals, something that is covered in dirt. Dirt!! And yet no one was worthy enough to even untie the straps. There had not been, nor would there ever be, anyone like Him. He was the Son of Man. And yet He was more importantly the Son Of God. You really can't get more important than being the Son of God. Before the foundations of the earth were ever laid, He knew me. He wasn't flashy, He wasn't popular, He wasn't in a click and yet He was, and is, the most important Person that ever walked on the face of the earth. This is where I get all choked up....He chose me. I didn't choose Him; He chose me. When it seemed like no one else would choose me, He did.
Thank You, Lord Jesus, for choosing me. Thank You for seeing me in a crowd of people who seemed to have so much more to offer You than I ever could. Lord, help me to always remember that it was not me who chose You; but it was You who chose me. I have nothing of value or importance to offer You, Lord Jesus, only myself freely. Thank You Lord for considering me valuable to You. ~Amen
