When No One Is Looking ~ The War Between Strength and Weakness

We are at our most vulnerable when no one is looking. Left to ourselves two emotions can wage war with each other, both with the intent to win. One emotion walks in strength with the knowledge of knowing and believing to whom they belong. The other emotion, crumbled in fear, leaves walking at all seeming next to impossible.  

This is where I find myself, at war with two emotions.

There are times that certain situations can leave me feeling fearful. They can cripple me leaving me with no strength at all. Yet, there are also times that those same situations can strengthen me giving me courage I did not know I had. It sounds weird, I know, but it is true. When it comes to my husband’s well-being, my heart intends to be strong and sometimes it is. In fact, it can be surprisingly strong. Yet, there are times that my heart has no strength at all. Persevering seems impossible. Strength wants to prevail but weakness has become consuming. And then, the war begins…

Caring for a loved one can be hard, both physically and emotionally. It can feel as if it rips out your very heart. How do you handle it? How are you supposed to put on a brave face for them? Better yet, how are we supposed to live in this, our day to day, together? So many emotions begin to stir. Questioning your ability to do the right thing at that exact moment needed most leaves you crippled. It is not only doing the right thing but also being the right one to do it. I am not a physician. I do not work in the medical field of any form or fashion. Yet, I find myself playing the role of one. Can I do the right thing? Will I do the right thing? Am I the right one to do the right thing? What even is the right thing!? So many questions stir in my mind.

The hardest moments are the ones that cripple you. Sometimes I can put on a brave face and do what has to be done. Well, in fact, most of the time I can. However, when no one is looking is when I simply crumble. Feeling weak during a fight does not give me much hope for winning. I want to always stand tall and firmly say, “Not today, Satan!” The words just do not always come out. I want my foot so firmly planted that I cannot be knocked down. That is so what my heart desires. However, each time a new problem pops up without an explanation to it, I lose my footing. I see the pain and know there has to be an answer. Yet, one is not given. Tears flow uncontrollably and I cannot seem to find the strength to stop them. Honestly, at times I do not want to. I cannot lose control so I allow my tears to do so. If I lose control then what will happen? The last thing I want is for a loved one to feel any sort of responsibility, cause or blame for my tears. Do not get me wrong, I have found myself crumbled on the floor before … in a pool of snot and tears (I know gross, right?)! It does not happen often (thank You Lord!) but it still happens. After all, I am human. It is when I am alone and no one is looking that I allow myself the freedom to feel; no matter what that feeling may be. Convincing myself that “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13) because God’s Word says I can is not always believable. They can feel like mere empty words; words simply written on paper. My heart knows they are not yet it does not have the strength to convince my mind.   

Some days are really good days. In fact, most of them have been. (Maybe that is just a part of what makes the not-so-good days extra bad.) When those good days happen, is when I am at my strongest. I feel like I can conquer anything. I feel like I can do and be anything. A wound that needs attention? Bring it on! Extra care needed? Bring it on!  That is when I can emotionally stand and proclaim, “I CAN do all things through Christ who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13)! I love those days. I cherish those days. However, if not careful I can easily turn those moments into giving my own self the praise.  (OUCH!) It is God who gives me strength…never myself.

Granted, very few people see those moments in me. They are mostly reserved when no one is looking. Part of the reason, not all of it, is because I do not want Satan to see or hear it and come at me harder, stronger. I want to revel in those strong moments and enjoy them to their fullest! (Sounds wimpy, doesn’t it?) I suppose I allow fear to slip into the strong days in wondering how long they will last. I do not want to mislead you; I can live out some strength (from God) in front of people, too. I can stand firm and not waver in His Word and fully rely on it! I know beyond any doubt that it is His strength … not mine.

Sometimes I live the strong moments quietly because it is then that I “refuel” or better yet, store up extra “fuel”, so to speak. Strength and comfort found in God’s Word is what I need daily. His Word gives me strength to finish the task at hand. His Word comforts me by reminding me that I am never alone; He is with me all the way. His Word drowns out the little voices that desire for my attention to fear again. Yep, His Word is definitely my fuel. It's what will keep me going.

I know that trials are going to come the Bible says so. I know that everything happens for a reason; the Bible says that, too. I truly know and believe that. The hard part is that even though I know those things, it just does not stop the pain. It does not change what my eyes see. I see the pain of a loved one. I see the crippling effects on their body. I see those things! How am I supposed to un-see them? (Do you ever find yourself asking that question, too?)

Proverbs 3:5> “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.” (NKJV)

That is my answer. It’s neatly tucked inside God’s Word awaiting me to find and read it again. Over and over if necessary. It’s the fuel we need. His desire is for me, for us, to simply trust Him in the process. It can sure be hard. However, if you truly know and believe that God is indeed a good God, then we do not lean on our own understanding. Let’s be honest, our understanding is limited. We tend to have a need to see a bigger picture to understand difficult things. We don’t always get that privilege. God is all-knowing, we are not. Trusting the all-knowing God is our responsibility. Yet, we find it hard at times. Weird, isn’t it? We don’t find it hard to believe that He created the world. We know and believe that God sent His only Son to this earth to pay our sin-debt. We know and believe that He died a gruesome death, no heart beat or breath in His lungs, on a cross, and yet He defeated the grave. We truly believe these things. Somehow, believing that He has a plan for me, for us, seems too complicated to comprehend. Did not Jesus Himself say “With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26)? Yes! He certainly did! He takes the hardest things to understand and makes it possible. We just aren’t guaranteed when we may understand.  

We have to learn to look beyond what our physical eyes can see. We have to see that “all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28) is for us, too. Suffering in this life is inevitable; how we suffer is a choice. “It is what it is” is not always true. It depends on how you look at it, what you choose to see…and believe.

It's okay to wage the war between strength and weakness. It’s even okay to do it when no one is looking. Cling to God and His holy Word and know that it is written: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). No matter how difficult things become, He is with us. We are not alone…😊

Don’t forget to remember that!

In awe of Him,

~ Vonda

Seeing Beyond What Is

Romans 8:28> We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose. (HCSB)

     There were so many expectations for the year of 2019. I’d had plans without really having any in particular for the New Year. All I knew was that it would certainly be better. Don’t get me wrong, the year 2018 wasn’t disappointing, but I just knew that it could certainly be topped! Boy was it. It started out with a bang!

     The 2019 year began with the flu. (I know, yuck!) It also ended with it, too. There were things tucked in between as well. A “good” case of cellulitis landed me in the hospital for a few days (I thought it was an antibiotic rash.). I gathered from the doctor and nurses that “good” really did not mean that at all. Anything that lands you in the hospital rarely is. However, I did get a break in time before anything else would catch my attention. Looking back on that makes me grateful for a little more time.

     One afternoon coming home from work, I was involved in a car accident. It happened to me (not my fault) I did not cause it. Thankfully, the young girl involved and I both got out of our own cars. We both walked around and were able to speak. There were no broken bones and no bloody scene. I thank God for that! I will not dwell on what could have been I will praise Him for what was. She took a very big hit from her steering wheel and I took a very big hit from the back of my seat. There is no doubt she physically ended up with a few issues from it. I know I did, and am still dealing with them. That does not change the fact that God showed up in a mighty way!

      I had sat and cried over the way the year had been going so far. It had begun to take a toll on me mentally. I don’t think it was common knowledge. I think I hid it very well. (A few people knew, and I do mean a few.) A person can slap a smile on their face and even proclaim Jesus without ever allowing Him to be in their situation. At least for a time they can. However, when you truly know Jesus, His peace will begin to flood your very being. I knew better than to question Why me? The answer will always be, why not me! Yet, that is what I did…why me, Lord? The smile remained on my face even when it was the hardest but my heart was not always in it. I wanted to be the Christian that people saw as strong. I have learned that if they do not see you at your weakest at times too, then they find it hard to believe you can be real. We do not set out to deceive others intentionally but it is what sort of happens. No one wants to be real with someone that does not themselves appear to be.

     After using up all of my sick time and a majority of my vacation time at work, I really felt down in the dumps. I used those up halfway through the year. However, the closer 2019 came to an end, I began to see beyond what is. “It is what it is” is not always true. It depends on how you look at it, what you choose to see. I decided to sit back and take a different look. Not only did I want to see beyond what it is, I needed to as well.      

     Although having the flu in January, when you work for a propane company, is not the best time (well, having the flu never is!) it did allow me to rest from a crazy holiday season. It also allowed me time to appreciate my job more. Time spent in the hospital gave me an opportunity to meet a few people who worked there. Some were in the medical field and some were not. The conversations were priceless; even those late at night or extreme early morning conversations. I never imagined being able to laugh so hard when you are the one who is the patient!  

    I have to admit it had been my car accident that had played the biggest toll on me mentally, physically and yes, spiritually. I was able to get over the flu, both times, and bounced back from my stay in the hospital. However, the car accident issues were the ones that lasted the longest. They are still with me to a degree. This struggle has been the most real. This one I truly needed God to help me see how it could "work together for the good”. He knew I would and waited patiently for me to ask Him. (Isn’t God good? His timing is everything!)

     I ended up having to see a chiropractor. He was able to pinpoint an issue I was having. He was a miracle-worker for me! Through several months of visits, Raymond and I had gotten to know a few of them very well. I was learning the “all things work together for the good…” part and it was changing me. Meeting the people there was such a joy. They were like family to us. We shared sadness and joy, and even asked for prayer multiple times. I looked forward to every appointment! Raymond surely did not mind going with me. This group of people not only played a part of my physical well-being, they also played a part of my emotional, and spiritual well-being, too. My heart had definitely been affected. I was blessed by going there. Satan certainly did not know I would be; however, God sure did. He is such a good God!

     My last visit with the chiropractor was bitter-sweet. I wasn’t ready to say good-bye, yet I physically felt much better. I did not want to leave them. We all hugged and expressed how grateful we were that our paths had indeed crossed. I was certainly never going to forget them. Neither was Raymond. God knows exactly what we need and when we need it most. They each played an important role in my healing; not just physically either.

In awe of Him,

Vonda