Not Measuring Up on Mother's Day

     When my daughters were little I remember looking forward to Mother's Day. After all, it was because of them that I could celebrate that day. They were so excited to give the hand made cards and gifts. I was thrilled to get them! It just seemed like a win-win for all of us. My husband took great pride in making sure the day was special. And of course, it was! He enjoyed taking them shopping for that one perfect gift.
     Once the girls had gotten older, Mother's Day seemed different. It was sad to me. All I could seem to do was look back on all my failures as a mom. Once they were old enough to drive the control I thought I had was gone. Boy did I make a ton of mistakes! Some of them were knowingly. Those were the ones that haunted me every Mother's Day. Those were the ones that I couldn't seem to get past. I can still beat myself up for the things that I allowed them to do. Possibly even encouraged. I was definitely NOT the mother-of-the-year!
     The girls were so sweet to remind me that the choices were always theirs to make. Through those choices they were able to grow. They were able to stretch their wings. (Even if at times it was way too much stretching!) To them, they learned valuable lessons. To me, I failed them.
     I remember a Mother's Day many years ago, my husband and I, along with both daughters, were sitting in church listening to the pastor. Everything he read in Proverbs about a virtuous woman did not seem to be me. The more the sermon went on the worse I felt. I wanted to cry! I wanted to get up and run out of there! Instead, I stayed seated dying on the inside.
     In those days, perfection was my goal. I HAD to be the perfect wife. I HAD to be the perfect mother. I didn't believe in failure. I had boastfully stated many times, "Oh, my girls wouldn't dare do that! They know better!" I didn't know then how bad "crow" could taste... I expected perfection from them. If they weren't perfect then that meant I wasn't either. But for me, I took it as failure. They were never going to be perfect, they were human. The pressure I placed on them was unreal. They were never going to measure up to the standards that I had set for them. Who could?
     Sitting in church that day was a major eye opener for me. I couldn't bear what I was seeing in myself. The enemy was having so much fun destroying me! He would continuously remind me of my failures. And I kept listening to him. To me, he'd only spoken the truth. I couldn't fight him.
     It has taken time to not view Mother's Day as a sad occasion. I had to start looking at my own mother. I feel so incredibly blessed to have her as my mother. She's never been perfect, never claimed to be either. Yet, I knew that even through what she considers as failure she grew from them. That gave me hope. I've not seen her repeat the things that she herself was never proud of as a mother. They were simply stepping stones to the mother God always intended her to be. Her mistakes have definitely given me hope. I know how I view her. Her heart for her children is as pure as gold. Oh she definitely gets frustrated at each of us for the ridiculous decisions we make. But she still sees our hearts for who we really want to be.
     Will I ever be the perfect mother? Heavens no! But that's not my goal anymore. I want to be a godly mother. I can't change the past. But I can take a new path. It's up to me whether or not I allow the enemy to remind me of all my past failures.
    Yes, I have failed a lot as a mother. I have failed a lot as a wife. Truth be known, I will fail a lot again. Thank You Lord for Your grace and mercy!!
    
    Proverbs 31:30> Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. (NIV)

     I want my girls to see me as a woman who fears the Lord......

In awe of Him,
~Vonda

"Are You the Messiah?" - When Doubt Creeps In

Matthew 11:2-3 > John the Baptist, who was in prison, heard about all the things the Messiah was doing. So he sent his disciples to ask Jesus, "Are You the Messiah we've been expecting, or should we keep looking for someone else?" (NLT)

 

 

I have to be honest. There were times that I doubted God. Even after the things that I had seen Him do. I even doubted His Sovereignty. All of these bad things seemed to have been happening to my husband and I while others around us seemed to be flourishing. We were trying so hard to live for the Lord and they were simply doing their own thing. They were living life their way. Yes, I started doubting God. I soon felt imprisoned by my own thoughts of doubt. Well, so did John the Baptist. The only difference was he really was in prison.  

One of the Bible studies I've done is by Beth Moore called “JESUS, the One and Only”. In the book it mentions that John the Baptist had experienced doubt. I know, right?? I wouldn’t have thought that either! Not John the Baptist. Before he was born he leaped in his mother’s womb when he heard the voice of Jesus’ mother, Mary. Surely that had to mean something. Surely that would mean that he would never have a doubt about who Jesus was. Not even while he was in prison. Right? Well, not really.

John grew up in the wilderness and was taught by the Holy Spirit. When it was time for him to begin his ministry he did so with gusto! He never wavered on his message. He even denounced the Pharisees and Sadducees when they came to watch him baptize people. He really had a message for them! He called them ‘brood of vipers’. John the Baptist truly believed the message that he preached. He really believed that there was One coming after him who was more powerful, whose sandals he wasn’t even worthy to remove. When Jesus showed up for John to baptize Him he didn’t want to. He felt like it should be the other way around. Jesus should be baptizing him. So how could he possibly have had doubts? That gives me such hope when my thoughts tend to turn to doubt.

Numerous writings have indicated that John had been in prison for about a year or so. A year of being locked up. No doubt he was lonely and even discouraged! Prisons then were a bit different than compared to today. But one thing remains the same: confinement. He wasn’t free to go and do as he wanted. His heart wanted to keep on proclaiming repentance of and forgiveness of sin. So it caused him to wonder: 'If Jesus were truly the Messiah that even he had believed Him to be then why was he still allowed to be in prison? Why wasn’t he out doing some good?' When you feel imprisoned by something it tends to mess with your mind. It can cause a person to look back to ‘yesterday’. It reminds you of what you can no longer do, where you can no longer go. Being discouraged and lonely only accelerates it. He could not understand why he was in prison; not now while it mattered the most. He could still be doing some good. As the months passed by, John wondered if he’d made a mistake. Was Jesus really the Messiah? Was Someone else coming instead? While being discouraged and lonely, doubt had crept in. Boy do I get that!

Being mentally imprisoned by something can definitely cause you to question things. Things that you never thought you’d question. Doubt starts to creep in. I had believed with all my heart that God was going to heal my husband physically. I believed that He told me He was going to. It just didn’t seem to be coming. I waited and waited. I even proclaimed it in my heart. The pain that he was feeling in his foot seemed to be getting worse. It even moved to his “good” foot. “How can this be, Lord? Did I misunderstand You?” It seemed as if my soul was sinking into despair. I was so discouraged and started questioning what I thought I’d heard. Yep, I felt as if my doubts had me trapped in a mental prison.

The smile plastered across my face wasn’t real. I kept trying to convince myself that everything was ok and my faith had not wavered. Let’s just say that I did not do a very good job. I just knew that if God would heal my husband like I’d believed He said He would do, then the testimony we’d both have would be awesome!! God would get all kinds of glory! I didn’t quite comprehend just what was truly in my thoughts at first. The walls in my mental prison were getting closer and closer. Before I knew it I found myself asking: “Lord, are You really Him, the Messiah? Or should I expect Someone else?” It seemed that maybe He wasn’t the part of the Trinity that healed. Maybe I had not encountered that One yet.

God is so patient. I don’t know how He does it! He released my thoughts from prison. The question soon came to be: “Even if the healing doesn’t come like you expect it, Vonda, will you still glorify Me?” Oh, wow. I wasn’t quite expecting that. I really had to ask myself if I was willing to surrender to His way of healing. The way He chose to. It wasn’t necessarily easy to answer. Nor was it an answer that I could quickly give. Could I, or even would I, glorify the Lord if my husband's healing didn’t come like I wanted it to? What if it never came at all? And then a flood gate of peace opened up and poured into me like a mighty river. He had already been healed! Just not in the way that I had expected. His healing came through salvation and forgiveness. (So did mine! So did every person who has surrendered their lives to the Lord!) We may never (but we also might!) see the fruition of his healing on this side of heaven, but one day he will experience complete healing! How could I possibly ask for anything more?!? Christ died so that one day we could all experience a complete healing. The choice is ours to make.

After peace flowed through my veins I could see that sometimes the greatest testimony we could live for the Lord is through pain. God has chosen my husband and I for this particular journey to glorify Him through. This journey with pain can in no way be done without the Lord’s strength.

Although John the Baptist knew deep down that Jesus was the Messiah, he still experienced a moment of doubt. Discouragement had found a way in. However, Jesus answered his doubts. “Go back and report to John…” It was important enough to Jesus to answer him, to send word back; especially during a time of discouragement. By pointing to the miracles that were taking place around him, Jesus had basically answered, “I am.” John asked Jesus a question while he was discouraged and Jesus took the time to answer. Jesus knew John’s heart. Even though he was in prison, miracles were still happening. He just needed a little reminder of who Jesus was. Boy, did He show me that as well. Isn’t God pretty awesome? Wonderful miracles were taking place all around us and I kept missing them. I kept on looking and waiting for the physical healing that I had almost missed the spiritual one. But just like Jesus did for John, He did for me too. He answered right in the middle of my discouragement: “I am.”

 

When doubt starts to creep in take a moment to open your eyes. Really look around you and see just what the Lord has done! When you find yourself asking, "Are You the Messiah we've been expecting, or should we keep looking for someone else?" Listen closely to His reply, "I am."

 

In awe of Him,

~Vonda