I have to be honest. There were times that I
doubted God. Even after the things that I had seen Him do. I even doubted His
Sovereignty. All of these bad things seemed to have been happening to my husband
and I while others around us seemed to be flourishing. We were trying so hard
to live for the Lord and they were simply doing their own thing. They were
living life their way. Yes, I started doubting God. I soon felt imprisoned by
my own thoughts of doubt. Well, so did John the Baptist. The only difference
was he really was in prison.
One of the Bible studies I've done is by Beth Moore called “JESUS,
the One and Only”. In the book it mentions that John the Baptist had
experienced doubt. I know, right?? I wouldn’t have thought that either! Not
John the Baptist. Before he was born he leaped in his mother’s womb when he heard
the voice of Jesus’ mother, Mary. Surely that had to mean something. Surely
that would mean that he would never have a doubt about who Jesus was. Not even
while he was in prison. Right? Well, not really.
John grew up in the wilderness and was taught by the Holy Spirit.
When it was time for him to begin his ministry he did so with gusto! He never
wavered on his message. He even denounced the Pharisees and Sadducees when they
came to watch him baptize people. He really had a message for them! He called
them ‘brood of vipers’. John the Baptist truly believed the message that he
preached. He really believed that there was One coming after him who was more
powerful, whose sandals he wasn’t even worthy to remove. When Jesus showed up
for John to baptize Him he didn’t want to. He felt like it should be the other
way around. Jesus should be baptizing him. So how could he possibly have had
doubts? That gives me such hope when my thoughts tend to turn to doubt.
Numerous writings have indicated that John had been in prison for
about a year or so. A year of being locked up. No doubt he was lonely and even
discouraged! Prisons then were a bit different than compared to today. But one
thing remains the same: confinement. He wasn’t free to go and do as he wanted. His
heart wanted to keep on proclaiming repentance of and forgiveness of sin. So it
caused him to wonder: 'If Jesus were truly the Messiah that even he had believed
Him to be then why was he still allowed to be in prison? Why wasn’t he out
doing some good?' When you feel imprisoned by something it tends to mess with
your mind. It can cause a person to look back to ‘yesterday’. It reminds you of
what you can no longer do, where you can no longer go. Being discouraged and
lonely only accelerates it. He could not understand why he was in prison; not
now while it mattered the most. He could still be doing some good. As the
months passed by, John wondered if he’d made a mistake. Was Jesus really the
Messiah? Was Someone else coming instead? While being discouraged and lonely,
doubt had crept in. Boy do I get that!
Being mentally imprisoned by something can definitely cause you to
question things. Things that you never thought you’d question. Doubt starts to
creep in. I had believed with all my heart that God was going to heal my husband physically.
I believed that He told me He was going to. It just didn’t seem to be coming. I
waited and waited. I even proclaimed it in my heart. The pain that he was
feeling in his foot seemed to be getting worse. It even moved to his “good”
foot. “How can this be, Lord? Did I misunderstand You?” It seemed as if my soul
was sinking into despair. I was so discouraged and started questioning what I thought
I’d heard. Yep, I felt as if my doubts had me trapped in a mental prison.
The smile plastered across my face wasn’t real. I kept trying to
convince myself that everything was ok and my faith had not wavered. Let’s just
say that I did not do a very good job. I just knew that if God would heal
my husband like I’d believed He said He would do, then the testimony we’d both
have would be awesome!! God would get all kinds of glory! I didn’t quite
comprehend just what was truly in my thoughts at first. The walls in my mental
prison were getting closer and closer. Before I knew it I found myself asking:
“Lord, are You really Him, the Messiah? Or should I expect Someone else?” It
seemed that maybe He wasn’t the part of the Trinity that healed. Maybe I had
not encountered that One yet.
God is so patient. I don’t know how He does it! He released my
thoughts from prison. The question soon came to be: “Even if the healing
doesn’t come like you expect it, Vonda, will you still glorify Me?” Oh, wow. I
wasn’t quite expecting that. I really had to ask myself if I was willing to
surrender to His way of healing. The way He chose to. It wasn’t necessarily easy
to answer. Nor was it an answer that I could quickly give. Could I, or even
would I, glorify the Lord if my husband's healing didn’t come like I wanted it to?
What if it never came at all? And then a flood gate of peace opened up and
poured into me like a mighty river. He had already been healed! Just not
in the way that I had expected. His healing came through salvation and
forgiveness. (So did mine! So did every person who has surrendered their lives
to the Lord!) We may never (but we also might!) see the fruition of his healing on this side of heaven, but
one day he will experience complete healing! How could I possibly ask for
anything more?!? Christ died so that one day we could all experience a complete
healing. The choice is ours to make.
After peace flowed through my veins I could see that sometimes the
greatest testimony we could live for the Lord is through pain. God has chosen
my husband and I for this particular journey to glorify Him through. This journey
with pain can in no way be done without the Lord’s strength.
Although John the Baptist knew deep down that Jesus was the
Messiah, he still experienced a moment of doubt. Discouragement had found a way
in. However, Jesus answered his doubts. “Go back and report to John…” It was
important enough to Jesus to answer him, to send word back; especially during a time of
discouragement. By pointing to the miracles that were taking place around him,
Jesus had basically answered, “I am.” John asked Jesus a question
while he was discouraged and Jesus took the time to answer. Jesus knew John’s
heart. Even though he was in prison, miracles were still happening. He just
needed a little reminder of who Jesus was. Boy, did He show me that as well. Isn’t God pretty
awesome? Wonderful miracles were taking place all around us and I kept missing
them. I kept on looking and waiting for the physical healing that I had almost missed
the spiritual one. But just like Jesus did for John, He did for me too. He
answered right in the middle of my discouragement: “I am.”
When doubt starts to creep in take a moment to open your eyes. Really look around you and see just what the Lord has done! When you find yourself asking, "Are You the Messiah we've been expecting, or should we keep looking for someone else?" Listen closely to His reply, "I am."
In awe of Him,
~Vonda
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