When my daughters were little I remember looking forward to Mother's Day. After all, it was because of them that I could celebrate that day. They were so excited to give the hand made cards and gifts. I was thrilled to get them! It just seemed like a win-win for all of us. My husband took great pride in making sure the day was special. And of course, it was! He enjoyed taking them shopping for that one perfect gift.
Once the girls had gotten older, Mother's Day seemed different. It was sad to me. All I could seem to do was look back on all my failures as a mom. Once they were old enough to drive the control I thought I had was gone. Boy did I make a ton of mistakes! Some of them were knowingly. Those were the ones that haunted me every Mother's Day. Those were the ones that I couldn't seem to get past. I can still beat myself up for the things that I allowed them to do. Possibly even encouraged. I was definitely NOT the mother-of-the-year!
The girls were so sweet to remind me that the choices were always theirs to make. Through those choices they were able to grow. They were able to stretch their wings. (Even if at times it was way too much stretching!) To them, they learned valuable lessons. To me, I failed them.
I remember a Mother's Day many years ago, my husband and I, along with both daughters, were sitting in church listening to the pastor. Everything he read in Proverbs about a virtuous woman did not seem to be me. The more the sermon went on the worse I felt. I wanted to cry! I wanted to get up and run out of there! Instead, I stayed seated dying on the inside.
In those days, perfection was my goal. I HAD to be the perfect wife. I HAD to be the perfect mother. I didn't believe in failure. I had boastfully stated many times, "Oh, my girls wouldn't dare do that! They know better!" I didn't know then how bad "crow" could taste... I expected perfection from them. If they weren't perfect then that meant I wasn't either. But for me, I took it as failure. They were never going to be perfect, they were human. The pressure I placed on them was unreal. They were never going to measure up to the standards that I had set for them. Who could?
Sitting in church that day was a major eye opener for me. I couldn't bear what I was seeing in myself. The enemy was having so much fun destroying me! He would continuously remind me of my failures. And I kept listening to him. To me, he'd only spoken the truth. I couldn't fight him.
It has taken time to not view Mother's Day as a sad occasion. I had to start looking at my own mother. I feel so incredibly blessed to have her as my mother. She's never been perfect, never claimed to be either. Yet, I knew that even through what she considers as failure she grew from them. That gave me hope. I've not seen her repeat the things that she herself was never proud of as a mother. They were simply stepping stones to the mother God always intended her to be. Her mistakes have definitely given me hope. I know how I view her. Her heart for her children is as pure as gold. Oh she definitely gets frustrated at each of us for the ridiculous decisions we make. But she still sees our hearts for who we really want to be.
Will I ever be the perfect mother? Heavens no! But that's not my goal anymore. I want to be a godly mother. I can't change the past. But I can take a new path. It's up to me whether or not I allow the enemy to remind me of all my past failures.
Yes, I have failed a lot as a mother. I have failed a lot as a wife. Truth be known, I will fail a lot again. Thank You Lord for Your grace and mercy!!
Proverbs 31:30> Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. (NIV)
I want my girls to see me as a woman who fears the Lord......
In awe of Him,
~Vonda
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