Isaiah 44:17-18> "From the rest he makes a god, his idol; he bows down to it and worships. He prays to it and says, 'Save me! You are my god!' They know nothing, they understand nothing; their eyes are plastered over so they cannot see, and their minds closed so they cannot understand."
When conviction comes it doesn't care what time of day it is. It doesn't even care what you are doing. God knew it had to happen, so He sent conviction to draw me closer to Him. Along with conviction came repentance. It caught me totally off guard. I wasn't expecting it.
For a while now I have been working on a "project". This project has been in my heart for many years. The courage to do this has not come easy. I backed off for quite a while until a stirring from deep within kept creeping up on me. I could no longer ignore it and push it back down deep inside me. So I prayed about it. God gave me the courage to pick up this project and move forward with it. What is it? Well, I am writing a book. It has been through this process that God has revealed things in me that need to change. There have been times that I did not praise Him like I should have. There have also been times that I never saw Him for who He really was/is.
The conviction that grabbed hold of my heart the other night was the realization that I had been worshipping something else other than God. I didn't even know I had done it and at times still doing it. I was depending on it. It seemed so innocent all those years until the other night. For years my eyes had been plastered to where I could not see the truth. My mind was closed to even knowing what was going on. I was clinging so tightly to a god. I depended on this god to make everything alright. It was giving me hope.
In 1997 my husband was injured at work. He crushed his toes on his right foot. To this day, he still endures pain from that injury. He has had countless surgeries with the hope of it making a difference.
I can't remember what year it was, but a doctor's appointment had been set up with an orthopedic group at UAB in Birmingham. We were told that professional athletes use this group of world renown doctor's and they were back on the field in no time. To make it sound even better, we were also told that Sheik's would come to this group. It sounded pretty impressive to us! If professional athletes can get back to normal and Sheik's could return home normal then surely Raymond could return back to the days before his injury! I mean, why not? It was working for the other folks so surely it would work for Raymond, too. Right? Well, it didn't work. The surgeries, the nerve blocks; they didn't work. I didn't necessarily seek God through all of that. I looked to the doctors to save Raymond, to rescue him from pain. Absolutely, God uses doctors. That was not the problem for me. It was the fact that I had looked to the doctors for healing and not to God. They had become my god. I can't speak for Raymond but I can certainly speak for myself.
There was nothing else that group of doctors could do so Raymond was sent to a pain management doctor. Once again, I felt hope. And once again, it was hope in the wrong thing. This time it would be hope in a combination of medications. I knew better than to hope in that. I had grown up in church and taught to hope in God alone. So why was this happening? My eyes were plastered and my mind was closed. I could not see that I was putting my hope in the wrong thing. I was worshiping another god. And then when it didn't work, I blamed the real God.
Crazy, isn't it? How can you put your hope in something other than God and then blame Him for the results? Yet we do it all the time. My god had been the world renown doctors and the combination of medications. I had cried out to them, "Save us!" and they never did.
For years I never saw that. For years my eyes were plastered. My mouth said "I trust You!" but my heart spoke something totally different. I didn't even know it. And then one night, a night so many years later, God sent conviction to draw me to repentance...
Raymond still sees a pain management doctor, he still has surgery if his orthopedic doctor believes it will make a difference. This time it is not them that I worship. It's not the medications or the surgeries that I put my hope in. This time it is in God and Him alone that I trust. If God decides to use either of those things then great! If He doesn't, well, then it is still Him that I will put my hope in.
In awe of Him,
Vonda
***Heavenly Father, I thank You Lord for sending conviction to draw us closer to You. It is never Your desire to use conviction to harm us but to bring us into a closer walk with You. Thank you Lord that it is because you love us so much that You mold us to be more like You. Thank you for revealing the ugly, the sin, to draw us to repentance. Lord each time that I, that we, lean toward worshiping another god, having an idol, send conviction once again. In Your precious and holy Name ~ Amen
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